he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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