It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
