omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
