I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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