I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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