Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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