I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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