There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I need to calm my uterus...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
