I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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