I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
