I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
