So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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