its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
