What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
