please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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