Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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