We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
