Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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