Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
