So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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