Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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