Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize