good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
