I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
