Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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