I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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