Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
