i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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