I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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