For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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