Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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