my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
