Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
