Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I forget how to act sober
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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