none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
