i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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