I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize