Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
a search helicopter?!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Im part way to drunk.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
