Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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