I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
