Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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