I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
