3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i think i have two assholes
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
