What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I need a beard to bite.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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