its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
