If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
