I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
