I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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