look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
