Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
