Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
