So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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