Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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