were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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