If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
