my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
