im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize