I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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