There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
