I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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